Not many people in this world will tell you they know what Mandarin is. And I am sure those reading this will want to think I misspelt ‘tangerine’. Well I didn’t. But Mandarin is the most popular language in the world, let alone the exact meaning of the word ‘popular’ in this context. Again, very few people know that there is no language such as Chinese. And I will let you find out the other language spoken in China, apart from the Mandarin, as I am clearly not interested and in any case, it would just make my sentence unnecessarily long even though this decision has resulted in a sentence quite as long as the one before this full-stop. So that’s how it goes. But we all know what China is, and where it is (except of course if we are American).

Well, I don’t know what China is. There has been an outrage of thoughts of sorts in my SB (Spongebob) head regarding this topic. Before we proceed, I do wish to baptise you into the SB head context. Here we go: Rumour has it that I am a born genius as hinted by the size and shape of my head. That I am so scientific I have my own concepts not least of which are those of gravity. That my head has a gravitational pull that resolves that founded by Mr Newton in conjunction with an apple so much such that I’d make Newton’s apple float in the air. That some people have nicknamed my SB head the ‘Theatre of Dreams’ while others, the ‘Alias Arena’. Whereas I can’t confirm the fact that I produce echoes when I think, I want to assure you that I think all the same; I think thoughts.

And I have been thinking that China, whatever it is, is taking over the world with only two people excluded, me and Elton John. (Those who thought I would never share a sentence with the E.J., you were wrong, I just did it so, take that!) A quick scan around reveals that almost everything, be it American or British or nothing has Chinese roots.

It’s like they have bought the rights of everything (including nothing) that is ever manufactured, be it spoons, phones, hair-straighteners, American flags, African jewellery or British footballs. Actually, nothing has Chinese roots, but all those things that possess a ‘Made in China‘ tag have roots from all over the world. They are a Chinese edition of the real thing at unreal prices and unreal quality – whatever the word real and its opposite mean to you. One thing that lets me and Elton John off the hook is that China could not figure out a Christmas cracker crown (or hat – fit your favourite word here, in context of course) that actually fits around my SB head without breaking. And for Elton John, they could not figure out how to plant a seedy thing inside the man and ooze a tiny human out of him without needing a woman at one point. Take that China!

Maybe they will have the last laugh after all, especially with VAT rising (actually being risen) to 20% meaning that I have to pay 6p extra for a pint of beer even though I don’t like beer. Just for the record, I am gonna go ahead and embarrass whoever is behind the VAT increase scam by switching to the limited edition Fo-Si-Ta-Si (a remake of Fosters) beer made in China and keep my 6p. Or I may want to keep it local and make my own beer. Or maybe not drink beer, I don’t like it after all…Whatever my SB head decides, the rest of you should ensure you don’t buy anything at all! Be creative, imaginative and innovative and grow your own cotton and sew clothes, grow your own cows and milk them, grow your own chicken and slaughter them and last and not least, grow pineapples and ferment them to make your own beer. You only need clothes, milk, chicken and beer to lead a decent life; regardless of the size or shape or nickname of your head.

It is Brand Jamesy, Baby!

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©Jamesy 05/01/2011